Unexpected beauty

Recently, I was asked the question: “What issues did you grapple with when you found out you were pregnant?” This question begs me to return to the 16-year-old frame of mind that I had a lifetime ago while facing an unexpected pregnancy.

Since those moments of my life unfolded, I have been waiting to be able to share & help others in the way that I now do by working at Choices Health as a nurse. I prayed for years for this opportunity, but I had no idea of the intensity that was to come along with dredging up that time. Various moments happen here that connect that former reality with the now — bringing so much emotion and friction along with healing and beauty. I simply didn’t know the Lord even needed to bring me this, let alone that He wanted to. How good He is to go far beyond what we could ever think or imagine!

What issues did I face? That this was real. It was true. This could happen to me. I was lost in a sea of unknown without any plan at all. I was very in love and committed, but still only 16! And this was certainly not the order things should be happening in. Again, how could this be real? It was inescapable. And yet, feeling stuck in fear without knowing what my future would hold, did I really want to escape it? A new life! Within me?! How could that possibly be?

If you know me, you know that I am an organizer and a planner. Everything has a place and a purpose. This “situation” threw my world upside down. Talk about being stressed out and emotional. I simply didn’t know what I was doing! No plan is a plan to fail, right? To suddenly not know what the future would hold was so unnerving. It would be very different from what I had thought it would be.

FINE — Frustrated, Irrational, Neurotic, & Emotional. This acronym perfectly describes what this unexpected situation is like for a person presented with it. We may answer that we’re “fine” and hope that whoever we are talking to believes us. But inside there is a storm that just may be manifesting with obvious outward signs, like a stressed and twitching eyelid.

My story is quite beautiful, if I do say so myself. Mine is a story of overcoming and true victory. Jesus truly did walk with us hand in hand. My boyfriend (now my husband) stood strongly by my side. He even went along to each and every OB appointment that I had. I would be inclined to say that I do not know how in the world he stayed and stood, but the answer is simply his strong faith in God. God doesn’t quit on us, and he didn’t quit on me.

My parents were there for me. Although telling them was the most scary conversation (in my mind) that I’ve ever had. One of the hardest things for me to face was letting others down. There weren’t ever questions of what “choice” we would make, at least not for us. It was simply how to do things. I had to be unparalyzed long enough to move forward. I had people. I had a place. My needs would be met with a wonderful support network, although I was definitely too frazzled to see that for quite a time.

What helped me? Slowing down. Seeing my support. Making a plan to move forward. Finding what we would need, and getting as ready as we could for this blessed little one that would soon enter the world. And lastly, what helped me was being given permission to be happy for this new life and love him, despite the surprising turn of life he brought with him.

By Jessica Kilde